My Mom Is Stalking You On Facebook!

by The Mayor!

….just so ya know, ya little punk! Thankfully, I’ve done a few things right as a Mom, one of which is to keep my kids talking. I make a real effort at ensuring they feel comfortable coming to me, because one of these days, it just may save their life. Granted, it’s a fine line between parent & friend, & I know damn well it won’t get any easier. But if the day ever comes when my rug rats start dodging me, I can always fall back on all the great suggestions that came in yesterday’s comments…the trusty shotgun of course, a convent or boarding school, tying them up in the closet, & the comment “keep her from learning the new phone number”, made me think to change it up on a regular basis, just to screw with ’em! And I am forever grateful to have had my only son first, thus giving me the advantage of sending the big brother to do my dirty work. Despite being quiet & unassuming, he does tend to grow a set when it comes to protecting his little sisters. And the whole point of this tangent was that, for now, my kids really talk to me…& The One I Butt Heads With just talks, period. So now that it was all out in the open, she hadn’t shut up about it!

Excuse Me While I Mop Up The Blood…

The benefit of course, is that I’m in the loop, which allows me the chance to guide & support her through this experience without snooping, spying, or duct taping her to a chair, shining a light in her eyes, & grilling her ’til she breaks. Even still, there are just some things the mother of a nine year old never wants to hear. Given my late nights working, & the nasty bug I’ve been fighting, in no way, shape or form, did I want to start my day with more of this crap. She had headed off to her Facebook right after breakfast, & in no time at all, the two of them were engaged in a chat. She proceeded to give me a blow by blow, asking me for the right answers along the way….a chat cheat apparently. She asked if he told his parents. He said no way, we can’t tell our parents! We can’t tell anyone! She asked me for a response, I told her to ask why it needed to be a secret. His vague response was something about getting in trouble. Then she calls out THIS, “He wants to know when we can kiss, maybe at school Monday! OMG!!”. …..KABBOOOOOMMMMM!! That would be my head exploding….Holy frikkin’ hell, is this little sh** serious??!! Now my eyeballs are bleeding & my brains are oozing out of my ears (from my head exploding!), but through the fog, I vaguely hear her asking what she should say. What I THOUGHT is far too foul even for me to type, but what I said was this…..“Tell him…LOL don’t be dumb, you know we’d get in huge trouble if we got caught kissing at school!”….which is true, totally not allowed these days, especially at our nice little Catholic school, & all the kids are well aware of this policy. Damned if that little bugger didn’t come back at her with this…“We can both go to the bathroom at the same time & kiss there!”…..what I heard was THIS….“Tell your Mom I just painted a nice big target on my forehead for that shotgun of hers!”. Again, she responded with the “that’s crazy talk” brush off, & throughout the chat cheat, my daughter is letting loose with a constant string of OMG’s intermingled with goofy giggling. Meanwhile, my blood pressure is through the roof, while I keep my Mom smile & friendly tone firmly in place so as not to put her off from sharing with me. After this punk ass little brat had signed off, she told me I could read their chat if I wanted to. I said it was alright, she had been quite open with me & I didn’t want to be spying on her conversations, as long as she continued to keep me informed of what was important. My lovely little girl said, “But I want you to read it Mommy.”, which told me she was feeling conflicted, unsure of how to handle the whole thing. So I read it….Punk Ass had opened with that nickname that makes my skin crawl, had suggested kissing AFTER school, had asked her if she told anyone, had warned her not to tell her parents or friends, had declined her phone number now that we had given our permission to give it to him, & when she had continued to brush off the kissing talk, he had finally said he was just kidding anyways. He then closed off with yet another “Hun”, & as I slowly unclench my fists, I decide to consult my resident expert on young boys….The Boy.

Games People Play….

See, my dilemma is this. From an adult perspective, Punk Ass is displaying creepy, manipulative behaviour, with underlying motives for keeping it a “big secret”. If this happened to me, I’d suspect a player, stringing me along for his own twisted purposes while juggling other girls. However, is a ten year old boy already capable of this game play?? Or is this merely a typical young kid who is still too embarrassed by this & doesn’t want to be the subject of teasing because he has a girlfriend?? Did he turn down the phone number because she had said no previously, & now he was worried about her parents? Did he have sweaty palms & a nervous blush going when he brought up a kiss, & when she brushed it off, he chose to do the same to save face?? Not wanting to say the wrong thing to my daughter, (you know, like “Kick him in the nuts & RUN!”) or put assumptions on Punk Ass that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t deserve, I asked The Boy what he thought. He laughed at my stupidity. Of course these kids are capable of these games. He too thought it odd that Punk Ass was so insistent on the whole “secret” thing. But he did acknowledge that they DO get teased for “dating”, it was possible this kid had good intentions, but until we knew for certain, there was no way in hell he was letting his sister out of his sight at school. We agreed on routine patrols around the portables at recess, & instead of their usual outside meeting place after school, he’d snag her at her classroom before she had a chance to sneak off alone. He also plans to “introduce” himself come Monday, get a feel for this kid. He’ll be my eyes & ears, & his mission is clear….keep Punk Ass AND his lips away from my little girl. More online chat ensued between my daughter & her friends, & suddenly rumours & gossip were flying about her having a boyfriend, & her BFF liking a boy from class, & no one was willing to fess up to anything or any names. Again, it made us wonder if this boy was “chatting” up more than just our daughter, & setting up secret bathroom meetings all over school. For now, I told her to respect his wishes, maybe he didn’t want to get teased, or maybe his parents wouldn’t allow a “girlfriend”. Then I was off to take this giggly mushy sap for a new haircut, now that she had a new boyfriend…Lord help me!

Game Theory….

This was my chance, some girly, mother/daughter time, to teach her a few things about boys. Again, I want so badly to tread carefully…she’s so sweet, & sappy, does she really need to hear my jaded, & extremely cynical views on the male species?? She IS only nine. Does a parent protect their child from these hard lessons, or allow them to learn them first hand, & at what age?? And can someone please stop hammering that ice pick in to my brain long enough to tell me WHY I even have to ask myself this yet??!! In the end, I chose not to crush her little spirit with my male bashing judgements, & took what sometimes seems like a total cop out, but has worked well for me in the past. I decided to play the waiting game. I gently cautioned her about moving too fast at her age, about not doing or saying anything that made her uncomfortable, about knowing, & speaking, her mind, & of course, to always come to me if she was worried or upset about any of it. I advised that she be honest with him & tell him she wasn’t comfortable keeping secrets from her family & friends, & try to get him to tell her why it was so important to him. And then I backed off. Because she’s nine. Which is why the waiting game is not a cop out. If I’ve learned anything from all my years of being around dozens of kids, it’s that their social lives change by the hour….literally. I’ve done the worried, panicked Mom thing, jumping in at the first sign of trouble. Turns out it’s rarely necessary, & I’ve discovered that quietly keeping tabs from the sidelines will usually see the games & the players switching up long before I need to blow the whistle. I’ve even developed a standard for this…my kids have three opportunities, under my watchful eye & words of wisdom, to resolve bad situations themselves, or for it to “disappear”. Once I hear it for a third time, whether it be over a week or two, or a month or two, then I step in & MAKE it disappear. In sticking with my “game” analogy, it really is three strikes, you’re out!

So fair warning Punk Ass…her Mom is stalking you on Facebook, & you have two strikes. I, however, have the bat.

Signed,

The Mayor!

*Perhaps I’m being too harsh on this poor kid….so just in case he winds up being a perfectly lovely child, who treats my daughter like a princess, or, at the other end of the spectrum, DOES disappear within a week, I just want him, & all future boys, to know that each & every one of you will be considered a Punk Ass, simply by virtue of coming anywhere near my daughters. Someday, you will understand…..

Stay Tuned for May Mayhem here in Crazy Town, when I will be welcoming several guest posts in honour of Mother’s Day, celebrating all the incredible Mom’s out there, & sharing some of them, & their stories, with you!