Helpful Hints For a Day At The Beach:

Do:

-  Bring enough sand toys to go around to avoid having the kids come to fisticuffs over them.

-  Bring snacks such as trail mix or granola that are already crunchy so no one notices the extra crunch of the sand.

-  Station yourself well away from the play area of any & all children.  They are notorious “sand flickers”!

-  Ensure you keep hold of your bathing suit when body surfing.

-  Teach your brats to have enough common decency & respect not to trash the sand creations others have spent hours building. Otherwise, Mom’s like me will shoot daggers at you while muttering, “Other people’s kids…”  (under our breath, but loud enough for you to hear).

-  Be prepared to shell out for ice cream or you may find yourself on the business end of a hissy fit…or four.

Don’t:

-  Come to the beach if you are hairy enough to claim Bigfoot as part of your ancestry…your recreational time is better spent camping in the woods with your own kind.

-  Allow your 10 year old daughter to run around topless.  There’s a line people.  The fact that she didn’t have a single tan line proves that you have completely lost sight of it.

-  Wear a bathing suit that isn’t big enough to contain all of your parts…ALL of your parts.  Seriously, no one wants to see that…or that…or THAT!

-  Take 12 year old boys with you.  Their sole purpose in life is to pester & annoy, utilizing any & all tools at hand.

-  Acknowledge any meltdowns, tantrums, or fist fights amongst your children.  Save yourself the public humiliation, pretend you don’t know them, & shoot daggers their way while muttering, “Other people’s kids…”.

-  Be surprised to find sand in places you didn’t know you had…& didn’t wanna know you had.

And never, under any circumstances whatsoever, ever, ever, do THIS…

Signed,
The Mayor!

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Tagged as: a whole new defintion of beach balls, helpful hints, itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini, Mom is that a Bigfoot?, sand flickers, summer fun in the sun, the business end of a hissy fit