As one of my fave tweeps @theveganbitch might say…It’s Friday, F**kers! And you know what that means here in Crazy Town….time once again to hop aboard the Crazy Train blog hop & Twitter #FF & enjoy some laughs as we share our favourite giggles from another week in the life….that craptastic trash, The Hills, managed to entertain once again as @BirthBabiesBlog & I discussed what an ass Spencer is, & how redonkulous Heidi’s new boobs are, I enjoyed a fab Twitter Party in support of Oprah’s #NoPhoneZone, led by @twittermoms, & discovered kindred spirits in @alabastercow, @TweetingMama, & @Shaunadnauseam! @LanitaMoss once again earned a retweet with her post “Please Don’t Pee On Me”, which made me laugh almost as much as her 3 & ½ foot Jamaican cock did! And though it definitely does not make my “fun” list for the week, I was ever so touched by a heart wrenching story, first shared with me by @BBandAblog. You may have noticed a new button on my sidebar, Prayers For Monkey…. @pixiedreamsmoma has suddenly been thrown in to the midst of every parent’s worst nightmare, with a diagnosis of cancer being given for their 16 month old baby girl. I encourage you to pay them a visit & pass along your love & prayers for this family as she shares her journey through her blog…& forgive me for squeezing it in to this particular post, but I wanted to ensure we kept the prayers going. Tweeps & #FF aside, today’s Friday Funny made the rounds through my e-mail a couple of years ago….but I never forgot it, always secretly hoping it would find it’s way off the internet & on to my TV screen! Though you may have read this before, I have taken a few liberties of my own with it….so enjoy! And hopefully you’re linkin’ up your own funny, ‘cause I could really use the laughs after the frikkin’ week I just had!!
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car, 3 kids, a dog, a cat & a hamster each, for a total of six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports, and take either music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, feed & clean up after each pet, and pay a list of “pretend” bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
The men must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time, as well as choose a gift for some random child’s birthday, wrap it, & accompany one of their own children to some obnoxious location for 3 hours of mind numbing birthday fun.
Each man must also take each of their 3 children to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room (weekend, evening, a holiday or right when they’re about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function that he is not told about until mere hours before.
The men will be responsible for decorating their own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. The “pop-in” visitor, often in the form of in-laws, will be sprung on them at any given moment to pass judgement on their housekeeping.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV and a remote with dead batteries….per family.
Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on each & every cartoon or children‘s show.
The men must shave their legs & wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker, and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
Each man must adorn himself with jewellry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows/bikini line groomed.
The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings, during which the rest of the tribe will taunt & berate them for being bitchy & hormonal, yet they will never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must also try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
They must attend weekly school meetings/trips/events, sporting practices & games, & of course, church….and find time, at least once a week, to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting. Each man will also take part in one fundraising event with their child, soliciting funds from other tribe members for a noble cause taken on by their school or athletic group.
He will need to bathe, read a book to, and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes, & backpacks full with lunches, homework, gym clothes, library books, & any other school related items needed for each day.
They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.
They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, “You’re not the boss of me “. They must also become adept at dealing with sibling rivalry, refereeing any & all wrestling matches that break out, & meting out punishments. If a child is grounded, it will be your responsibility to entertain them & deal with the whining.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, teacher’s name and doctor’s name. Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labour, each child’s favourite color, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice … typically, when she comes up behind him as he’s doing the dishes, grabs his ass, & says, “Let’s go!”.
If the last man does win, he gets to play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years…eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
Rather appropriate with Mother’s Day just around the corner…personally, I’d pay money to see my family muddle through this version of Survivor….best gift ever, admit it chickies!!! And while they do THAT, me & my tweeps will be hangin’ with @thedrinkguy, poundin’ back those tequila shots! I’d love to hear any additional “challenges” you may come up with, & of course, be sure to link up your own Friday Funny & fave Twitter tweeps….I’m always looking for a chance to escape Crazy Town for awhile!
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