When Life Gives You Lemons, Squeeze It In Someone’s Eye & Haul Ass!

by The Mayor!

Scream funny cartoon quote imageAfter a particularly difficult week in which The Mayor has reached HER limits, the office of The Mayor has issued an official press release stating that from here on in, the Crazy Town limits shall now consist of The Edge Of Reason & The Brink Of Insanity. City Council attempted to veto these boundary changes by suggesting I listen to Reason & stop the Insanity, so I had them shot….survivors were shot again. Because I’m The Mayor. And they were a bunch of snivelling, kowtowing jackasses. I do, however, still have to contend with those who were born in to their positions of power. But unbeknownst to them, their hold on me is tenuous at best, growing weaker & weaker as they grow bigger & bigger. Cute ain’t cuttin’ it for them anymore…& my intelligence far outweighs theirs. Soon they will have nothing left with which to fight,Stress funny cartoon quote image & I shall delight in witnessing their own journey beyond our new town limits. Should they ever claim to have felt a hand shoving them over said Brink or Edge, they’re lying. It’s a feeble ploy to usurp my authority….the best their limited intelligence is capable of. In the meantime, with City Council having relinquished what little say they had in the workings of Crazy Town….you know, when someone had them all shot & killed….& the rug rats ever so smugly believing THEY hold all the power, The Mayor’s security detail is content that they have dealt with any & all viable threats to this office. Of course, just to be safe, I have asked my goons to ensure The Dad is firmly installed in the Crazy Town jail on deviously trumped up charges of once again breaking in to my trophy case to retrieve his testicles. This will buy me a few days of peace & quiet before he gets his day in court….read: before I deign to talk to him again. Or, I can just skip the charade, hand him a case Funny Serenity prayer Xanax imageof beer, & sit back & watch the drunk & disorderly charges rack up on his rap sheet. That will most definitely get him a few nights in the drunk tank…read: dog house. And though you may be wondering just where it is The Mayor’s nonsensical ramblings have gotten you, THIS is where my evil plan to withdraw from the harsh reality finally comes to fruition. With the naysayers safely ensconced in their graves, caves, & dog houses, & the real world incapable of breaking the impermeable new boundaries I’ve bestowed upon my town, I am now free to give in to the full blown crazies, the stress induced weepies, & the screw you hostilities. And since I’m crazy like that, I will engage in a heated battle ofRock paper scissors funny quote paper/rock/scissors with myself to choose which of these town limits to drag my Mayoral desk to, crawl underneath it, lay my head upon the lip stick wearing freak of a cat for comfort, & nibble happily away on one of those Valium candy necklaces….in case the cat comfort thing is an epic fail. Periodically, I may choose to peek my head out over The Edge or The Brink, but only to shoot caustic barbs at any who dare to venture near. And when I’m damn good & ready, the voices will wake up from their Valium induced haze to kick my ass & in their best authoritative tone holler, “Put your purse down Nancy, & get out your big boy pants! It is what it is, so grab it by the balls & DEAL!”….I never said the voices were kind. But they are Voices pissed off funny quoteeffective. And in no time at all, the office of The Mayor will be fully operational once again, the entire incident on record as being a “Mental Health Break”. This IS Crazy Town after all….but after the week I’ve just had, I could reasonably argue that it’s the outside world that defies logic. And you call ME crazy….

Signed,

The Mayor!

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Stacy aka MOMMY! ahaha May 15, 2010 at 7:03 am

Awww hun, i’m having one of those weeks too. I am finding myself having to negociate when I can drive MY fricken car. It’s mine mine mine mine I say!!!! The hubby is changing jobs and i’m meeting myself around corners and apparantly I almost caught my hair on fire yesterday with a lighter!! pfffffffffffffffffff that’s the least of my worries. I hope for our sakes that we both have better weeks ahead! Oh and of all times to have fricken PMS!!! uggggggggggggg lol Beware world, i’m already cocked and loaded! snicker! Run whilst you can!!! tee hee

themombshell May 15, 2010 at 9:28 am

This sounds like a sound plan (remember paper beats rock) and comfort in cats (even those living alternative lifestyles) is always a wise decision. I would give you a lick from my Xanax lollipop if I was there but we’d dip it in tequila first.
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Allison May 15, 2010 at 10:27 am

Yup. Can’t stop coughing. Coughing meds cause heartburn and nausea so I can’t sleep even when coughing stops. Four boys sleeping over last night. Wah.
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Pamela May 15, 2010 at 10:44 am

You go Mayor! I just have to tell you the whole time I was reading this, I kept hearing Hunter S. Thompson’s voice in my head. Which is totally cool & probably one of the reasons I luv ya!
Hope things look up soon, but of course they will once you set them all straight!
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Terry May 15, 2010 at 11:58 am

… and who says we have to love being moms and wives anyhow. I think we totally get the big, fat, spikey end of the stick … right up our asses on most days! Where is it written that only the one with the vagina and the title of mom/wife has all the domestic duties? How is that offset by the other occupants of the house? Snow shovelling and lawn mowing? Pfffft I say! I clean the house 100 times before a single flake of snow if removed; I work for the money to buy the groceries to stock the kitchen to make the meals to do the dishes to work for the money to buy the groceries … well, you get it! AND we have to take care of ourselves, look good, be healthy, be a porn star in the sack, have pretty feet, suffer through Brazilian waxes, be funny, understanding, sexy, smart, patient, supportive, good GAWD! No wonder we’re bitchy!!! And with that, I will now finish cleaning my house so that I don’t miss out on an exciting evening of grocery shopping, processing, and putting away! Where IS that tequila????

The Empress May 15, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Oh, all this suffering in Mommyland for naught.

Be like Me: can’t you just hear the zen bird chirping from way over here?

My coffee creamer of choice, upon awakening? Bailey’s.

End of suffering. It’s all too beautiful from here on out…
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Motpg May 15, 2010 at 12:58 pm

You do whatever it takes! Nothing wrong with crawling under that desk when you need to and bring the rocks, paper and scissors with you. If anyone approaches you can throw the rocks, use the paper to write a note that says F you and scissors to cut off further communication until you’re ready. I told my two youngest to Go Away yesterday and told my oldest, Take Them Away, and she did because she owes me. They thought it was cool because they didn’t know she had secret plans to make them clean litter boxes. I have to be nice to my husband because he actually bought Me the beer and I slept with the cat on my head last night but all I got was a stiff neck, so I’m wondering, Where do you buy those Valium necklaces?
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Terry May 15, 2010 at 3:01 pm

… has completed cleaning duties, is postponing grocery duty, and revolting against laundry duty — Bailey’s in my coffee, feet up, sigh! Serious – about the Bailey’s that is – thx Empress! ;-)

ericka @ alabaster cow May 15, 2010 at 8:36 pm

off with their heads!!!!!!!! off with their heads!!!!

just scream it. you’ll feel better. promise.

and as crappy as you may feel right now you’re still an excellent writer so screw everything else.
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Stacy aka MOMMY! ahaha May 15, 2010 at 8:38 pm

I’m still attempting to figure out how to fix my damn singed hair! lmaoooo Fark the world I say tonight…wine and whatever the hell else I want lol! Sent my little one off to a birthday sleepover and now it’s me and the hubby and the zoo animals! ahahahhaa oh and the Valium necklaces are hard to fricken find! Just buy a candy one and pretend really hard! snort! If that fails, sleep with a pillow (or cat) on your head! haha Happy Tequila shots girls! SQUIRTING MY FARKIN LEMON! CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! HEHEHEHE

Terry May 15, 2010 at 8:52 pm

I’m having visions of crusing up valium tablets, sprinkling them onto a moistened candy necklace and baking at 350 degrees for 20 minutes! LoL

Terry May 15, 2010 at 8:53 pm

crushing … damn I hate premature “submitting” !

The Mayor! May 15, 2010 at 9:04 pm

Holy crap Terry, you may be on to something!! And thnx for all the support ladies, I too spent the day (the last 6wks straight??!!) buried up to my eyeballs in going room to room & dealing with each & every object, item, toy, clothing article, closet/cupboard/drawer in a mind numbing, epically failing, attempt to fit 6 people & all their CRAP in to 1500 sq ft of living space….cause apparently no one else is capable of cleaning out a drawer/closet/cupboard….ever…..f*ck…..I hear the Baileys, Tequial, AND valium all a’callin’ my name!! I did however, manage to ditch half my brood today for a little trip with their Nanny, the 2 big girls will be away until Monday! Mixed blessing though, with The One I Butt Heads With gone, it’s really quiet, & with The Diva gone it’s really calm, however we have never been apart like this before….ever….so I’m missin’ ‘em……cause I’m crazy like that!!

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