@$#*%! Friday!

by The Mayor!

Girls funny quoteLast weekend, I was invited out for a night with the “girls”. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”. Well, the hours passed and the margarita’s went down way too easily, as margaritas are want to do. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I “cuckooed” another 9 times. I was pretty impressed with myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him….even when totally smashed, & being far too pretty to do math… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, & I casually told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Thankful, & a little bit smug, I thought, “Phew, I got away with that one!”. Then he said this…“We need a new cuckoo clock.”.

Drunk funny quote image

When I nervously asked him why, he responded, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “OH SHIT!”, cuckooed 4Fart asshole funny quote more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted…

TGIF!

Here we are again, gathering together from around the internet in the hopes of escaping reality, if but for a brief time, engaging in mutual laughter over that which each of us have deemed worthy of making it to our funny Friday posts. As I have freely admitted in the past, I have a reputation for being “dead inside”….a running joke amongst those who know me, but not without a grain of truth. If I do have any remaining heart strings, they’re liable to snap like a twig should you attempt to tug on them, & my favourite genre for any form of entertainment is most definitely mystery/suspense/horror…who the hell pays good money to “relate” & cry??!! Sarcasm funny soul removed imageEntertainment should be an escape from the world, or poke fun at it all, not slap you in the face with how sh**ty & depressing it can be. But along with that cynical, “dead inside” personality comes a sardonic sense of humour that can be hard to please. Finding something capable of eliciting not only tears of laughter, but my infamous snort along with it, definitely makes the cut. Imagine my delight to have found not one, but two, such stories for today’s @$#*%! Friday! As I’m sure you’ve guessed, other than a bit of a rewrite, the Girl’s Night Out story is not actually mine…but it did reduce me to tears & elicit those snorts I so often get teased for! As did this one…

Your Mom…

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going downTrain rats ass funny cartoon the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are totally f**king pissed about the goddamn TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”.

Pimp It Out & Whore It Up!

Happy @$#*%! Friday! Don’t forget to pimp your link to your own Friday funny Fatal Attraction bunny imagewith Sexy Mr. Linky & of course, do some whoring around the blogosphere with those who joined in on the fun! As a switch up to my Twitter #FF, I encourage you to leave your Twitter handle along with your comments if you’re looking for some new stalkers to liven up your newsfeed & send you twitpics of dead bunnies.  I’d also like to thank The Dirty Mommy Club for her fabulous hospitality yesterday, & again, I deeply apologize for spewing in your closet. Sadly, my nerves got the better of me, along with all the gin Alabaster Cow plied me with to calm said nerves. And even though ErickaGin funny cat image wasn’t entirely convincing in her claim that it was her first threesome also, I didn’t press her for details…she’s almost half my age, I was self concious enough without worrying if I’d measure up to her wild college days! Plus, no cows were harmed in the making of said threesome….& no bunnies were harmed in the writing of this post. 

Signed,

The Mayor!

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

The Mayor! June 11, 2010 at 2:15 am

Twitter #FF shout outs, to those oh so sweet ladies who actually had ME, that crazy ass Mayor, grace the pages of their blogs this week…

@DirtyMommyClub
@alabastercow
@BirthBabiesBlog
@BloggyMoms

I’m humbled & a little embarrassed by such recognition, especially since my scatterbrained self sometimes misses the chance to say thank you or properly repay your kindness! Seriously, go follow these chickies, they’re all about the giving!

And of course, you simply MUST start stalking The Best Friend, welcome her to Twitter & show her a good time tearing up the Twitosphere with all of us! It’s definitely time for her to see the “real” us & join in a #wineparty!

@Laurantoc

Cheers! TGIF! :-D

themombshell June 11, 2010 at 7:52 am

Holy snap the best friend is on twitter?! Also I will be back later with a funny, if something funny happens to me between now and then, which is pretty likely given one is running around with no pants and the other is wearing a pair of oversized sunglasses. Just another 7:50 am at our house.
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The Empress June 11, 2010 at 10:08 am

LOVE Fridays with the mayor! I’ll be hopping around checking out the competition for your love…
that’s alright…somehow I know there’s enough mayor to go around for everybody.

Never stopped anyone in high school, right? (sorry..wasn’t supposed to bring that up…)

Love ya, girlfriend…I have to learn “twitter” …hold me and teach me???

P.S> Can’t link up today, but will follow your babes.
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themombshell June 11, 2010 at 10:56 am

funny, done!
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Cheryl June 11, 2010 at 11:28 am

I have nothing funny. I am not funny. I suck, actually. And I am likely sucking the very life force out of everything I come in contact with today.

Did I mention it’s school furlough day – today AND Monday?
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Allison June 11, 2010 at 11:35 am

That train story is possible the best train story in the history of train stories. And I’m saying that after reading it with a migraine.
Allison´s last blog ..****************Variety is the Spice of Life. Except when it Blows Donkey Chunks.My ComLuv Profile

The Mayor! June 11, 2010 at 11:54 am

Hmmmm…I assume that means something in the OC Cheryl…like maybe the equivalent to a PA Day (professional activity) here in Canada LOL, which is basically a day off for the kidlets, but not the teachers, who I firmly believe spend it getting hammered & swapping horror stories….I would! But I hope the vortex of suckiness that is you todaydeigns to spit you out soon chickie! :-D

Of COURSE I’ll hold you Empress…but if you want your hair sniffed, you’ll have to hit up Mombshell for that….

Allison, as always with you, I wholeheartedly agree….not since the little engine that could have I been so taken by a train story!

And apparently I have to do everything for you guys….

@themombshell
@specialsauceith (Cheryl)
@TamingInsanity (KLZ)

Ash (Crazy Brunette) June 11, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Aaahhhhh hell, THAT IS SOOOOO MY KID!!!

Ha! I came in a 3am a couple Fridays ago… Drunker that shit, fell UP the stairs… couldn’t find my meds (next day was AWESOME for everybody! Set the ADT alarm off and suddenly COULD NOT remember the fucking code to turn the son of a bitch off!

Yeah, at least you had a CHANCE of covering YOUR ass!
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Heligirl June 11, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Oh Mayor, how you make my insides try to come out my urethra. I’m all out of funny today. If I’m really lucky, I’ll actually get my serious post up today, which I was supposed to do Tuesday, which if I had done I’d have beat Heir to Blair and Blog Dangerously, who worked together and posed yesterday what I wanted to do Tuesday. Blast it all.

Have a great weekend!
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Queen Momma June 11, 2010 at 6:40 pm

Thanks for the invite! I’m truly honored! Love your blog and thrilled that you enjoyed mine…looking forward to more!!!
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Arewethereyet June 11, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Nice! I needed the laugh after my morning.

I wish I had a cuckoo clock. Especially if it talked, because then it would have told me where I put my F**ing Keys!

@twoboysandme

The Best Friend June 12, 2010 at 6:11 am

Bahahahaha. Love the cuckoo clock one. Always good for a giggle. The worst part is I can see you trying to get away with a plan like that! LOL. :)

Yes it’s true I am now officially tweeting. Thanks to the purchase of my Crackberry..I mean Blackberry I now have the world at my finger tips….Does this mean the world IS my oyster?

Serendipity is Sweet June 12, 2010 at 4:28 pm

Lolololol!

I’ll be chuckling all day.
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Pamela June 13, 2010 at 9:32 pm

I’m a little late for the #FF party – but glad I stopped by nonetheless! The cuckoo clock story was priceless. Not to worry, by next week I should have all my crap packed & moved out & can then concentrate on more important things like sharing a laugh at the expense of my (soon-to-be) old neighbors!
Pamela´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – I’m stressed, tired & kind of feel like puking. But hey, I finally own a home!My ComLuv Profile

Stephanie June 14, 2010 at 3:12 am

now i know what that was all over my shoes! and also why the cat spent the morning staggering and barking like a dog! thanks for making the dirty mommy club an even dirtier place to be!
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