It’s not in my nature to apologize. I rarely see a need for it, when I’m always in the right. But as I once again find myself spiralling down in to the second gaping pit of depression to tear open the streets of Crazy Town in recent months, I’ve simply found it far too difficult to type while clinging for dear life on the edge of the precipice. Frankly, I can barely maintain my tenuous grip on my sanity, never mind my keyboard. This, of course, means that I have sorely neglected my Mayoral duties of late, & worse, all of you that make up my support system. The added weight of that crushing guilt hasn’t helped my frantic attempts to keep my grip. For the most part, it’s the typical story…trying in vain to squeeze just a few more hours out of the day, eating over the kitchen sink whatever the fridge managed to instantly cough up, finding my way in to the shower when stink itself finally declares me unfit to claim it’s name, juggling 4 kids full time along with all the mess, noise & friends that come with them, & trying to wrap my head around my first “real” job in decades. Some of it, however, is my inability to find the words when I’m losing my sh**…they don’t always come easy, despite my mad skills. Admittedly, I’m grateful for the sudden opportunity to have a new job to occupy my time & energy as my littlest leaves me for the world outside my door. I’m also afforded the best of both worlds, doing the majority of work from home. However, despite what all the naysayers may think, 4 kids is, in & of itself, a full time job, & squeezing an actual job in to my day means something has to give. Lately, it’s been Crazy Town, & much to my chagrin, the wonderful community around it. So for those of you who have noticed, cared, continued to stick by me, I apologize for that. And for those of you who have noticed, cared, continued to stick by me, thank you. You know who you are…& I appreciate the love you’ve shown! Ironically, I’ve made several attempts at this “I’m sorry I suck & have been ignoring you all” post, yet my sheer exhaustion has caused me to continue to put it off…’cause I suck. Even now, as I snuggle in bed with all 4 of my kidlets, watching Camp Rock 2 for the bazillionith time this weekend, trying to squeeze in every last moment with them that I can get while failing to keep the back-to-school tears at bay, I’m inclined to pack it in, put it off, save my apology for another day. But I’ve seen this movie a bazillion times this weekend…& my baby girl is right beside me pinching my ear…& in a pathetic attempt to cheer me up, my son keeps inserting “Yo Mama” jokes in the midst of said post…so it’s all good. Just as soon as I wrestle the external keyboard away from him, & erase all his “Yo Mama” jokes. And frankly, I’m used to the “back-to-school blues”. After 2 straight months of summer fun with my babies, I’m always loathe to say goodbye to the lazy days of sunshine & lollipops & having to get back to the daily grind of a gruelling schedule. But alas, this year heralds real change, & a schedule even I, the Queen Of Multi Tasking, fear keeping up with. With all 4 kids shuffling back & forth to school for the first time, (& me immersed once again in the hands on world of Kindergarten after a much needed year long break!), the cheer gym 5 times a week, the hockey rink 3 times a week, & a part time job with unpredictable hours, my only means of survival will be to once again find the routine & structure necessary for me to run my busy household effectively. More than anything though, this current spiral is the “letting go” of my wee baby girl…she truly is my sunshine…they all are, of course, but it’s having that last one leave that changes who I am & how I define my life. It’s that precious little Princess who handed me a picture of my broken heart & her hand to hold when I’m sad…with a note she had me write for her that said, “Dear Mommy, I love you so much & I’m sorry you’re sad that I go to school.” And again, I can’t stop the tears. I’m sure tomorrow will find me a blithering mess in the middle of the school yard, wailing her name & attempting to scale the Kindergarten fence until the office calls in those nice young men in their clean white coats to come & take me away. But I have no doubt that I will soon settle in to the life changes facing me, find my routines, & make my way back to Crazy Town. The friends, the emotional support, the reassuring feeling of knowing I’m not alone in my insanity, & above all, the catharsis of writing…it’s simply not something I’m prepared to give up. I just need to gather my strength to climb my way out of this pit of despair, embrace the new challenges ahead, love my children as I always have even as I’m forced to let them go, & trust that this too shall pass. You’ll excuse me if it takes a few weeks of self-absorbed wallowing though.
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