The Golden Rule…

by The Mayor!

I’m no stranger to the wonderful world of Kindergarten. This is my fourth foray in to the realm of refrigerator art, trips to the farm, & agonizingly annoying Letterland characters. And as many of you know, I have not taken kindly to having to send my last wee baby off to school this fall. Aside from the obvious reasons that any mother can relate to, there is another, far more compelling, reason as to why I was loathe to put her in the hands of the educational system. Those bastards actually have the audacity to TEACH her sh**!! Given that she’s my fourth, I anticipated this sucky eventuality. I’ve seen it all before…watched them take my sweet, innocent little babies, & turn them in to rotten little kids. Of all the mother lovin’ nerve. Maybe you’re confused…possibly you’re asking yourself, “Self, english teacher funny image quotewhat the hell is The Mayor talking about?? Of course they TEACH her stinkin’ kid, what did she think was gonna happen??”. Some of you, however, may know exactly what I’m alluding to. Kindergarten changes them. Stomps the “baby” right out of ‘em. Teaches them to be independent of Mommy. But the biggest evil perpetrated upon my children on entering Kindergarten is the “correcting”. It goes against my Golden Rule here in Crazy Town. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE, is EVER to correct The Baby’s adorably endearing mispronunciation of anything…ever. The entire family is on board with this particular Golden Rule. Each & every one of us desperately wants to hang on to these last vestiges of babyhood left in our home. Even The Diva, at 7 years old, has been known to bitch slap “outsiders” for having corrected The Baby. And now along come these teachers, right under my nose while my back is turned, thinking they can just go around breaking my Golden Rule…like it’s their job or something! I mean, seriously, who do these educators think they’re screwin’ with??!! Don’t they know this is my LAST baby?? Bad enough when they did it to my first three, but this time around, breaking the Golden Rule could result in a scathing tongue lashing. And bring on the eye twitch. Which may very well lead to a psychotic break…aimed in your direction. So before any of this happens, & my littlest baby girl has conformed to the societal norms of the English language, & her mother has suffered a psychotic break, & the teacher has suffered grievous harm, I feel the need to share with you some of her most precious turns of phrase. For posterity’s sake…

The Baby/English Dictionary:

Chinkmunk (n: chink-munk)- No, not a Chinese Monk, but rather a small furry rodent!monk funny image chinkmunk

Smushmellows (n: smush-mellows)- What typically happens to our marshmellows once she gets her hands on the bag

Flute Floops (n: flute-fluups)- Not a musical flute solo, but that famous breakfast cereal, Fruit Loops!

Flute loops imageBalcolies (n: bal-co-lees)- That magical place where Princesses hang out, typically found off their bedrooms, to wish upon a star!

F**ky F**ky Fresh! WORD! (gangsta slang)- Her hilariously inappropriate version of rapping!

P-apple (n: pee-apple)- Those fruit circle thingys Mommy cooks with the ham!

Alcolard (n: al-co-lard)- That stuff Mommy drinks that the kids aren’t allowed to drink!

Melalie (proper n: Mel-a-lee)- A special family friend who always makes time for The Baby even though she’s a full-fledged teenager now…named Melanie! And of course, her sister Cakelynn!

There are more…so many more…some as common as “smushmellows”, while some are uniquely her own, like “balcolies”. All will be “corrected” right out of her by some do-gooder teaching her “proper” English. Much the same way The Diva stopped saying “eleventeen” & was chastised for always pointing with her middle finger, under the guise of a silly song about Peter Pointer. WE all loved the fact that she pointed with her middle finger…it was highly entertaining, that odd little habit! And part of what made her “her”. But it’s out of my hands now. I can no longer enforce the Golden Rule 24/7. And sooner, rather than later, she will be “corrected’. And her babyhood will truly be gone. And it makes me sad.

Signed,

The Mayor!

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Sherri September 23, 2010 at 9:37 am

Kindergarten does just suck the baby right out of them, doesn’t it?! And since it’s your youngest, it’s even suckier.

I love the pronunciations, so adorable! And I still point with my middle finger, when necessary….
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kimmie September 23, 2010 at 10:43 am

I love it…..I think Floot Floops got me the most. *tee-hee*
kimmie´s last blog ..IssuesMy ComLuv Profile

Cheryl @ Mommypants September 23, 2010 at 12:17 pm

My my daughter reads she also points with her middle finger. I giggle to myself. Because I’m also 5.

Heligirl September 23, 2010 at 1:52 pm

You’re not allowed to point with your middle finger. I just did that last night. In the dark. I pointed at an idiot. Maybe I missed kindergarten.
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Kimberly September 23, 2010 at 4:42 pm

My son (2yrs) says Fuk Ups for flip flops and I’d be damned if anyone taught him how to say it properly….cause it’s hilareeeeeeous!

Sandra September 23, 2010 at 4:57 pm

I wish I had a balcolie to eat my Floot Floops….that’s too fucken cute! How does this child ever get refused anything?
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Imperfect Momma September 23, 2010 at 6:17 pm

LOL. Cute. Smushmellows. I am definitely not looking forward to monkey man going to school. Says the mom whos son has been asleep for 3hrs.

Stacy September 24, 2010 at 2:02 am

Sigh….I remember those days :( I miss them! Mine are all grown up sadly :( The wee one used to say nilk for milk, mame for name ( go figure) lol and tat for cat. She also used to sing “everybody wants to be a tat” When Grandma would correct her (dang her) She would simply say “ya Gamma, that’s what I said….tat) lol I miss those days so much! I’m well on my way to becoming an old fart and I hate it!

Tracy September 27, 2010 at 4:16 am

awwww, that is so sweet. I am going to dread sending my middle boy to preschool next year and then the baby. Preschool does change them too fast. yep, the mispronunciations….I love them :O) However in my house, some of the words need to be corrected with my middle child. just for example my alarm clock. When he says clock, let’s just say it doesn’t come out like that! And my most favorite frog….I’m sure you get the drift on that one. The whole middle finger thing, omg, I thought my son was the only one. When he wants one cookie, he will point with his middle finger and say, I want one cookie and hold it up like he’s flippin you the bird! Of course it doesn’t help we all roar every time it happens!! Kids, love’em :O)

It’s been nice catching up with you, I need to make more time and swing by more often :O)

Pamela September 27, 2010 at 7:57 pm

Aw, I love when they mispronounce words – too cute. I started writing a post about how my in-laws often contribute to my son’s grammar & pronunciation mistakes. It’s a good thing the kid did start JK, cause he won’t listen to me when I tell him it’s “eyes” not “heyes” like his grandfather would have him beleive!
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