I’m no stranger to the wonderful world of Kindergarten. This is my fourth foray in to the realm of refrigerator art, trips to the farm, & agonizingly annoying Letterland characters. And as many of you know, I have not taken kindly to having to send my last wee baby off to school this fall. Aside from the obvious reasons that any mother can relate to, there is another, far more compelling, reason as to why I was loathe to put her in the hands of the educational system. Those bastards actually have the audacity to TEACH her sh**!! Given that she’s my fourth, I anticipated this sucky eventuality. I’ve seen it all before…watched them take my sweet, innocent little babies, & turn them in to rotten little kids. Of all the mother lovin’ nerve. Maybe you’re confused…possibly you’re asking yourself, “Self, what the hell is The Mayor talking about?? Of course they TEACH her stinkin’ kid, what did she think was gonna happen??”. Some of you, however, may know exactly what I’m alluding to. Kindergarten changes them. Stomps the “baby” right out of ‘em. Teaches them to be independent of Mommy. But the biggest evil perpetrated upon my children on entering Kindergarten is the “correcting”. It goes against my Golden Rule here in Crazy Town. NO ONE, I repeat, NO ONE, is EVER to correct The Baby’s adorably endearing mispronunciation of anything…ever. The entire family is on board with this particular Golden Rule. Each & every one of us desperately wants to hang on to these last vestiges of babyhood left in our home. Even The Diva, at 7 years old, has been known to bitch slap “outsiders” for having corrected The Baby. And now along come these teachers, right under my nose while my back is turned, thinking they can just go around breaking my Golden Rule…like it’s their job or something! I mean, seriously, who do these educators think they’re screwin’ with??!! Don’t they know this is my LAST baby?? Bad enough when they did it to my first three, but this time around, breaking the Golden Rule could result in a scathing tongue lashing. And bring on the eye twitch. Which may very well lead to a psychotic break…aimed in your direction. So before any of this happens, & my littlest baby girl has conformed to the societal norms of the English language, & her mother has suffered a psychotic break, & the teacher has suffered grievous harm, I feel the need to share with you some of her most precious turns of phrase. For posterity’s sake…
The Baby/English Dictionary:
Chinkmunk (n: chink-munk)- No, not a Chinese Monk, but rather a small furry rodent!
Smushmellows (n: smush-mellows)- What typically happens to our marshmellows once she gets her hands on the bag
Flute Floops (n: flute-fluups)- Not a musical flute solo, but that famous breakfast cereal, Fruit Loops!
Balcolies (n: bal-co-lees)- That magical place where Princesses hang out, typically found off their bedrooms, to wish upon a star!
F**ky F**ky Fresh! WORD! (gangsta slang)- Her hilariously inappropriate version of rapping!
P-apple (n: pee-apple)- Those fruit circle thingys Mommy cooks with the ham!
Alcolard (n: al-co-lard)- That stuff Mommy drinks that the kids aren’t allowed to drink!
Melalie (proper n: Mel-a-lee)- A special family friend who always makes time for The Baby even though she’s a full-fledged teenager now…named Melanie! And of course, her sister Cakelynn!
There are more…so many more…some as common as “smushmellows”, while some are uniquely her own, like “balcolies”. All will be “corrected” right out of her by some do-gooder teaching her “proper” English. Much the same way The Diva stopped saying “eleventeen” & was chastised for always pointing with her middle finger, under the guise of a silly song about Peter Pointer. WE all loved the fact that she pointed with her middle finger…it was highly entertaining, that odd little habit! And part of what made her “her”. But it’s out of my hands now. I can no longer enforce the Golden Rule 24/7. And sooner, rather than later, she will be “corrected’. And her babyhood will truly be gone. And it makes me sad.
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