A Terrorist Plot Unveiled…

by The Mayor!

It’s a tragic story. A community up in arms, frightened for their children, as one small body after another turns up. Flattened like pancakes. Stiff, furry tails sticking straight up in the air, a grim marker of a senseless death. You see them every day, littering the streets & sidewalks, while mothers scurry past shielding the eyes of the innocent children in tow, hoping to protect them from such a horrific sight. Along the grassy boulevards, little furry sentinels keep watch, like an honour guard to their fallen comrades. As my heart breaks for their numerous losses, so too, does my foot brake to ensure I don’t become an unwitting participant in this genocide. With my weapon of mass destruction. Let’s face it, they don’t stand a chance against my Expedition. Frikkin’ squirrels. Suddenly, funny pictures secret squirrelsthey’re everywhere..a population explosion, the forest across the street from me alive with frenzied activity, causing me to wonder after their possibly nefarious motives for gathering in such large numbers. Could it be that they are gathering together to mourn those lost? As much as I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt, I have witnessed far too many kamikaze runs from these deceivingly innocent creatures…their complete disregard for their own safety as they plunge in to traffic, willing to sacrifice themselves to wreak havoc on our roadways, leaves me to wonder who the real killers are here. What a deliciously malicious plot , for squirrels to rise up, band together, organizing suicide runs to cause accidents & delays, frighten the young with their carcasses littering the roads, all the while pinning their deaths on us, & our weapons of mass destruction. There’s one there, right now, the 4th in as many weeks, unidentifiable were it not for that tail sticking up like a flag of surrender, on the sidewalk mere steps from my home. While on the other side of the road, at the edge of the forest, you see the others gather, darting out in pairs like they’re trading off watch duty. And my son & I fight a constant battle to ensure the littlest ones don’t have to see them lying there as they go past back & forth to school. It’s the classic terror plot, striking fear in the community. Fear of stumbling across yet another dead little body. Fear of having thefunny pictures squirrels collide little ones seeing something you really wish you didn’t have to explain, as my baby girl asks me if that chinkmunk is dead. Causing them nightmares when they’ve seen too much. And of course, the ever present fear of running one of them down in cold blood. Within a two mile radius of my home, I counted no less than 12 of them, dead in the road or off on the sidewalks, just today. And for every one lost in battle, tugging at our heart strings, there are dozens more, darting in & out of traffic, hovering on the curbs taunting our brake pedals. Just waiting to tear apart my family, destroy my standing in the community, & label me a killer in the name of their squirrelly cause.

squirrel bump funny quote image

Signed,

The Mayor!

jedi squirrels funny image

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Kimberly October 4, 2010 at 5:35 am

Who would have thought that you could get so inspired by road kill that you would create such an eloquent yet hilarious post about them.
Every time I come across a stiffened bloated squirrel, I will think of you.
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Motpg October 4, 2010 at 6:49 am

LOL! I call them suicide squirrels! And I tick off a large percentage of my neighbors with sudden braking so I don’t have to hear those words….”oh no, was that a little squirrel?”
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Tracy October 4, 2010 at 7:08 am

Oh my gosh! Poor creatures! I don’t see too many flattened carcasses of squirrels around here, it is more skunks and raccoons! I’ve never hit one myself, I only ever hit a pheasant once and I was totally mortified. It just kind of flew right into me. My husband had to drive from that point on as I refused to drive home.

Alexandra October 4, 2010 at 9:05 am

Oh! I could write a whole POST on when I hit a squirrel, and it didn’t die and my mom was in the car with the kids and my mom was screaming ” he still alibe! (she’s so Hispanic..barely english speaking after 50 years) and the kids are screaming “Mom! he’s alive!” and then my mom says “oh no…oh no..oh no..he tryeeing tooo crawls away…oh no…look how he pooosh hees bodee to dah edge.”

Kids screaming “mom! he’s pulling himself with his arms..”

Oh.God.

Oh Dear God.

stacy October 4, 2010 at 9:06 am

Although my family and I play the “Squirrel” game by screaming out SQUIRREL at the top of your lungs when you seen one I am saddened by the amount of dead ones that you have to view. I had a baby one come up to me and eat crackers from my hand this summer. sniffle! So sad!

Pamela October 4, 2010 at 10:00 am

Rodents with tails, that’s what I call them! Although apparently not as smart or as fast…
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Lanita October 4, 2010 at 3:36 pm

Right now, I’m seeing an increased suicide rate of raccoons. All over…and I almost took out a rafter of turkeys today…13 of them. I counted as I whizzed by.

I always brake for the little animals, but it is hard when my husband keeps telling me I need to speed up rather than slow down. I guess the increased speed leads to less damage to the car.

Still can’t bring myself to do it
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allison October 4, 2010 at 3:51 pm

WTF? This is the third post I’ve read today that mentions squirrel carcasses. Zeit freaking geist indeed.

The Mayor! October 4, 2010 at 4:20 pm

See??!! I’m RIGHT, it’s an evil plot to bring down mankind!! ;-) ) Or maybe, as Lanita pointed out, the animal kingdom in general is organizing…

And my dear Empress, I laughed til I cried hahahaha….but yes, even when I have a near miss, my kidlets are freaking in the back, DID YOU KILL IT MOMMY???? They would never forgive me….& Kimberly…ummmm, thnx I think LOL! I guess as long as you’re thinking of me, I shouldn’t complain!! :-) )

themombshell October 4, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Consistently and without fail a squirrel always makes me laugh. Every damn time. Just not when I hit one, only when they are doing ridiculous things like grabbing their nuts. (Seriously the nut jokes I am holding back right now are unreal.)

imperfect momma October 4, 2010 at 5:35 pm

They are evil little creatures. I remember the first time I ran over one, I just about cried my eyes out.
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Sarah November 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Haha!! GREAT post! And so true… I’ve definitely noticed more squirrels around lately (alive and otherwise). I haven’t hit one of the little terrorists yet, but when I do, there will be tears!!

(popped over from The Girl Next Door)
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Erika November 12, 2010 at 9:20 am

HA! So funny!

My German Shepherd is all over the squirrels. He stands guard at our window all day to protect us.

joann mannix November 14, 2010 at 9:56 am

Hey!

I found you through the Girl’s contest, where she pointed you out as crazy, wonderful. And that is exactly how I would describe this faboosh post.

My girls call me the squirrel killer because those little crapheads dart right in front of my car every single ding dang time. I guess if I have to be known as a killer of something, I’ll take the gross-me-out-the-door rodent. It’s better than being a puppy killer, right?

Great post. Road kill eloquence. Who would have thunk those words could ever be combined?
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Carla November 16, 2010 at 8:25 am

Haha! Hilarious! We usually see flattened armadillos! I’m following you as soon as I submit this comment!

~Carla

http://www.jollyjansen.blogspot.com
http://HoustonParentsMagazine.com

john@weighing scales March 21, 2011 at 5:46 am

Aww squireels are actually quite funny and cute I agree with you @themombshell. I ran over one once I was devestated. Poor Little creature

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