Mommy Dearest…

by The Mayor!

Today, I hang my head in shame. Attempting to keep the tears at bay & failing dismally, I contemplate ending it all & making that leap over the Brink Of Insanity. Surely I deserve such a fate, throwing myself in to the abyss, after a day that finally saw my children turn on me…nearly in unison, almost as one, declaring me the “worst Mommy ever!”. And what was it that brought about this turn of events here in Crazy Town? What exactly was my crime? How could I, Martha Stewart Mommy, commit a parenting fail so epic as to suddenly be labeled persona non grata to my perfect little angels? Despite my despair & humiliation, I’d be remiss if I didn’t impart this parenting wisdom, learned too late for me, in hopes of sparing you a similar tragedy. funny cartoon image parenting

There’s A Storm Brewing…

It was a seemingly normal day. You hear that sometimes, how people never saw it coming. I had no idea there was a storm brewing on the horizon. The kids arrived home from school, & immediately headed off to their usual activities. The One I Butt Heads With on the computer with the phone growing out of her head, The Diva & The Baby off to the Barbie basket to fight over Edward, & The Boy up to his room & the lure of the X-Box.  Being a cheer night, I started dinner early to ensure it was on the table by 5 p.m., & as I puttered at a pot of rice, I went through backpacks & agendas for the next day. The One I Butt Heads With, my 10 year old daughter, had an upcoming funny cartoon shut the fuck upFrench test noted. I poked my head in to the adjoining room & reminded her of the rules. As our struggling student, with no interest & little effort put forth, she must complete homework prior to being on the computer or the phone. She barely passed a science test last week, having left the studying to the last minute, & when she shot me a “look” & stated the French test wasn’t until Thursday, I reminded her of this & told her to get to it. And sadly, that was my fatal mistake. Out of nowhere, thunder clapped, the lights flickered, her head spun around 360 degrees, & a demonic  screech came out of her mouth…”SHUT UP MOTHER!”. As the words assaulted me, I realized the clapping thunder & flickering lights were the result of the blinding rage washing over me, & her head spinning round was merely a flash of fantasy in which I myself had knocked her silly. Because not only had this child just spoken to me like that, she was still on the phone with her little friend when she did it! The rest is a little hazy, but it involved deep breathing, counting to ten, & my own demonic hiss telling her to hang up the phone. Asfunny cartoon image quote kill him I shut down the computer, yanked the phone away from her, & tucked her iPod in to my pocket, I told her she had lost them all for the rest of the day, & she was to take her French to her room & study until dinner. “NO! I’m NOT studying!”. “Do you want to lose the computer for the rest of the week? Keep it up.” “SHUT…UP!” Fine, the rest of the week it is. “SHUT UP!”. Well, there’s the weekend, shall we keep going? “SHUT UUUPPPPPPP”. Two weeks. By now, her face was purple, & I had, quite wisely, backed away from her so as to no longer be within smacking range…after noting my hand, seemingly of it’s own accord, reaching out towards her. We went on like this, back & forth, eventually getting to four weeks with no computer or iPod. But by then, I’d had enough…those are the only things that ever keep this child quiet, without them, she is everywhere, fighting with everyone, & making the noise of ten kids. I’d never survive 5 weeks. I went over to her, put her French in her hands, & steered her by the shoulders to the stairs. She, of course, made sure to slam her feet through every step on her way up, & for added emphasis, slammed her door hard enough to rattle the windows…& my teeth…screaming, “I HATE YOU!!!!”, at the top of her lungs. I slunk back to the kitchen, wondering how I’d missed the Dr. Phil episode warning me that if I enforced the rules & revoked privileges, my child would funny cartoon Dr. Philhate me. Thanks for nothing, you bald, hairy lipped bastard. I turn off the burner, & scoop out a spoonful of rice to cool down & taste test. Then it’s off to the laundry room to switch loads, hoping these mundane tasks would help me push through the pain. I return to the kitchen to find the spoon on the floor & rice everywhere. The Diva is nonchalantly scrunched in to a corner of the couch with a book, while The Baby has just come in dragging all their sleeping bags behind her. Because I’m a Mom, I immediately deduce from the scene before me that The Diva had jumped up on to the counter to steal my spoonful of rice, it had proven too hot, causing her to drop it, scattering it everywhere, then, fearing trouble, tried to pull her usual, “Who, ME??” routine. As I inform her in no uncertain terms that I’m not buying it for a second, & begin to crawl around picking up rice, The Baby is suddenly spreading sleeping bags out all over the floor. I turn my grousing from The Diva to The Baby, & tell both of them to just skedaddle & stayfunny cartoon temper tantrum out of my face until dinner. Now The Diva storms out of the room, in full blown diva fashion, screaming that I never let them do anything & all I ever do is yell at them not to make a mess. Damn that Dr. Spock for not including a chapter warning to never ever ask your kids to clean up their messes. If only I’d known what heartache that would cause. Sniffle. The Baby is hot on her trail, dragging the sleeping bags with her. As I poke through my dishwasher looking for kleenex…yes, my dishwasher is used as a cupboard, shut up…I turn to see The Baby has returned, & is apparently doing her best to look haughty. I’m dismayed to realize she’s pulling it off. Clearly she has something to say. I wait. She crosses her arms & continues with the “look”, though I can see the internal struggle all over her face. Finally she says this…”I hate you.”. I counter with a look of my own, & say, “Pardon me?”. She quickly says, “(The Diva) hates you. You’re being mean to her.”. I press her, “And you?”. She hesitates, then says it again, “I hate you!”. And stomps her little four year old feet out of the room & after her sisters.

Gone To The Dark Side…     

And there it was…she is one of “them” now. I expect it won’t be long before they organize a full blown mutiny, & oust me from my position as Mayor. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some sorrows to drown, some little girls to cold shoulder, & an abyss to throw myself in to.

Signed,

The Mayor!

No related posts.

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Queen Momma-Sweet Merciful Crap October 19, 2010 at 8:25 am

Been there, done that! If they didn’t “hate” you sometimes, you wouldn’t be doing your job! ;) …. I have had similar “fantas(ies)” too… although I think there was that one time when DDs head really did spin!

Lost In Mommyland October 19, 2010 at 9:31 am

Sorry, this might sound bad but I am kinda glad to hear this? It always seemed like things were so perfect over there in Crazy town. Yes, a little strange at times, but the kiddies always seemed to be angels.

At least you have wine available to drown your sorrows.

Kimberly October 19, 2010 at 9:46 am

You just made my day feel way hell of a lot less worse than what you went through. Whew, that’s like a load off of my shoulders!
Kidding. Kids are meant to drive, pound, and kick the shit out of every last nerve, emotion, self worth, dignitiy ect. until you are standing there nekkid and alone and wanting your own mommy. I’ve had days like those and lord help me, I’ve only got one of em.
I will pray for you
Kimberly´s last blog ..Lift Me UpMy ComLuv Profile

jennifer October 19, 2010 at 11:57 am

Kids…you can’t beat them…

Stacy October 19, 2010 at 12:14 pm

Hey Mayor….if they yell “I hate you!!” it means you’re doing a good job. I know, I know…it’s hard to listen too and perhaps some duct tape to tape them to the walls next time eh! This too shall pass…this too shall pass!!! Nobody said it was going to be easy and it sure as hell isn’t! Stand your ground and choose your battles my sista!!! :)

allison October 19, 2010 at 1:16 pm

First of all, good for you for enforcing consequences and not hauling off and smacking the oh-so-smackable child. Second of all, I love that line from Roseanne: “I hate you!” “Then my work here is done”. Still, it’s hard to hear. Especially from a four-year-old.

Erika October 19, 2010 at 1:32 pm

I loved this and can relate! My daughter is 10 and I also have a 3 year old.

One time my 10 yr old hollered “go away I need my privacy” to my 3 yr old and now the little one says it All Of The Time!!!!

Emily, 10, feels horrible about it.

themombshell October 19, 2010 at 5:53 pm

the same thing happened to me tonight except with the hubs and the ipod is the only thing that keeps him out of my hair.
themombshell´s last blog ..shitty is the new awesomeMy ComLuv Profile

Pamel October 19, 2010 at 6:48 pm

It’s probably just something she’s picked up from tv or one of her friends & it will blow over in a few hours. I think you handled it perfectly though, as hard as it is to hear them talk like that.
I had to laugh at your Dr. Phil comment – teehee – bald harry lipped bastard!
Pamel´s last blog ..SacrificeMy ComLuv Profile

JRFrugalMom October 19, 2010 at 8:12 pm

Oh my! I am speechless:)

Congratulations you are the featured blog at The Wednesday Window .
JRFrugalMom´s last blog ..The Wednesday Window Linky – Promote Your Blog Post 10-20My ComLuv Profile

Cheryl October 20, 2010 at 4:51 am

An interesting subject written greatly–enjoyable to read, if not to live :-) . Love the little cartoon–so true. Stopping by from Frugality Is Free to say congrats on your feature.
Cheryl´s last blog ..CVS Shopping Poll- How Often do You Shop CVSMy ComLuv Profile

April Hargraves October 20, 2010 at 7:05 am

I’m not looking forward to those days – my daughter just turned three!
Came here from The Wednesday Window, would love if you could check out my blog and give me a follow!

Colleen (Shibley Smiles) October 20, 2010 at 10:48 am

Sometimes being a parent is a you know what. It just plain sucks too!

Hugs!

Colleen
Shibley Smiles
Colleen (Shibley Smiles)´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday Until Death Do Us Part! Omen Or AccidentMy ComLuv Profile

Stasha October 20, 2010 at 7:38 pm

LOL!

My daughter is 8 and I have heard “I hate this” or “I hate that” but I have yet to have her tell me that she hates me… I think I have a few more years, not many though… I have a feeling that teenage years will be something else!

Lanita October 21, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Oh, Sweetheart, if they don’t call you the “worst mommy ever” and tell you they hate you at least once a day, then you aren’t doing your job right.

No shame needed.
Lanita´s last blog ..Here We Go AgainMy ComLuv Profile

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv Enabled

Previous post:

Next post: