What The Hell Is She Sniffin’??!!

by The Mayor!

funny cartoon drunk momYep, just rollin’ naked in the crazy lately. Drunk birthday party Mom? Pretty sure she was sniffin’ glue too. Their address doesn’t exist on Google maps..& if Google can’t find it, then it must not exist at all, right? So then I look up her name…that doesn’t exist either. Now I’m wondering if I’m smoking crack, or if this family is full of mob stoolies in the witness protection program, with any & all references to them, real or otherwise, wiped from existence. Finally, I try a reverse lookup on her phone number…& I get her first name, with a different last name, & an address that’s close to what she has provided, were it spelt correctly. By then I was just happy to have found it, managing to avoid another convoluted conversation with her on the phone. So I pull in the driveway, a few minutes after the designated time, & there, on the front porch, are half a dozen grown ups, smokin’ & drinkin’! Seriously?! Now, I’m all for a good time…& some of our kid’s birthday parties have just been big house parties with our family, friends, & all of their kids. But I have to say, not once did we include complete strangers…4 year old strangers at that…in these benders. That’s a new one on me. And after 4 kids, I’ve seen one heck of a lot of birthday parties…difficult to surprise me anymore. However, as I said, been there, done that…aside from the strange 4 year olds…so who am I to judge? What I really couldn’t wrap my head around was the ballsy way they were hangin’ out, right there at the front door, for the whole world, & their parents dropping them off, to see. How much common sense does it take to keep that shit to the backyard??funny lurking cat Because if this had been my first born, at 4 years old, there’s not a chance in hell I’d have left him there. Just ask The Lurker…she had the privilege of being my very first birthday party…& when I realized she expected me to walk away & leave my baby boy, (the frikkin’ kid was 5, she probably thought I was sniffin’ glue!), there at her house, “alone” with her, a virtual stranger at the time, admittedly, I was the one doing the lurking then…in her bushes, unable to relinquish him in to her care…& she wasn’t drinkin’ on the porch! First time Moms are a whole different breed of crazy. And as a matter of fact, I watched another mother, as I dropped off The Baby, go back & forth a few times, from her car to the house, fussing after her child…obviously her first given both her nervousness & the endless list of care instructions . Clearly she was wracked with anxiety about leaving her, likely made worse by the pumpin’ patio party. Me? Definitely not my first kid…& a very independent, capable child. Who happened to have my cell phone number written on the entire length of her arm. After seeing the sheer number of people there, this was good insurance against her getting lost in the shuffle. Which, incidentally, the other parents & the hosts thought was a fantastic idea. Just one of many tricks you pick up when you have a mitt full of yard apes. And when I asked yet again, what time I should get her, I got a vague, “Oh, 5:30, 6:00.”. Which was frikkin’ ridiculous…I may be experienced enough to no longer fret over leaving my child at a stranger’s party, but that same experience knows full well that 4 hours is just too much for a 4 year old attending a stranger’s party…especially a party as large as this one was. And yes, I had some discomfort with the whole situation. As she yammered on about Batman & funny glue sniffing quoteTinkerbell coming to entertain the kids, I couldn’t help but think, “You can add all the glitter you want to that glue you’re sniffing, but it’s still glue!”. So I arrived at 5 o’clock, anxious to retrieve my baby girl…& learned another valuable parenting trick. If you do leave your small child with drunken, glue sniffin’ hosts, put a name tag on her. As I waited at the front door, they paraded 2 other rug rats out to me before I finally trotted in &  hunted down the correct one. Colour me unimpressed. Seriously.

Signed,

The Mayor!

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Tracy November 23, 2010 at 8:27 am

omg, seriously! Some are just that irresponsible. I can’t even imagine having a bday bash for my kid and then having everyone hanging out front drinking it up! Geesh, some people! I betcha it was rubber cement she was sniffin!!! have a great day!

tracy November 23, 2010 at 8:28 am

Love the glue pic btw!!!! lmao

The Lurker November 23, 2010 at 8:46 am

Too funny Mayor! I made sure I let the parents of the most recent invitees know that they were welcome to stay if they, or their child, needed them to. And just for the record, I always wait until after the kids leave to start drinking, but then do so with abandon — ’cause ya need to after having 10 or 15 five-year-olds trashing your house! ;-)

BTW, your comment made me go search through the photo archives (an actual photo album – how archaic!) and I found a picture of the boy from the party in question. I also have a pic from the pumpkin patch trip that year and will drop it them in your mailbox (the real one) this afternoon.

KLZ November 23, 2010 at 10:26 am

Jigga what?
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Kimberly November 23, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Is a group of four year olds that traumatizing that you need to drink? Man, those JK teachers must be alcoholics. I am so sure that they were hoarded on the front porch!
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Stacy November 24, 2010 at 9:05 am

OH MY GOD!!!!! I have no words i’m too busy laughing!!! Only you!!!!! lol lol and maybe me! snicker

Tammy November 24, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Wow, that just leaves me speechless & that takes a lot!
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Lost In Mommyland November 30, 2010 at 4:17 am

Would it be inappropriate for me to say “white trash”??

Mommy Dearest January 10, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Crazy town, better yet CRAZY WORLD! So I pledge to lurk, stock and carry concealed weapons when it comes to my kids! I love the Lord and plan on protecting His vestment from all the drunken, glue sniffers of the world.

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