Yep, just rollin’ naked in the crazy lately. Drunk birthday party Mom? Pretty sure she was sniffin’ glue too. Their address doesn’t exist on Google maps..& if Google can’t find it, then it must not exist at all, right? So then I look up her name…that doesn’t exist either. Now I’m wondering if I’m smoking crack, or if this family is full of mob stoolies in the witness protection program, with any & all references to them, real or otherwise, wiped from existence. Finally, I try a reverse lookup on her phone number…& I get her first name, with a different last name, & an address that’s close to what she has provided, were it spelt correctly. By then I was just happy to have found it, managing to avoid another convoluted conversation with her on the phone. So I pull in the driveway, a few minutes after the designated time, & there, on the front porch, are half a dozen grown ups, smokin’ & drinkin’! Seriously?! Now, I’m all for a good time…& some of our kid’s birthday parties have just been big house parties with our family, friends, & all of their kids. But I have to say, not once did we include complete strangers…4 year old strangers at that…in these benders. That’s a new one on me. And after 4 kids, I’ve seen one heck of a lot of birthday parties…difficult to surprise me anymore. However, as I said, been there, done that…aside from the strange 4 year olds…so who am I to judge? What I really couldn’t wrap my head around was the ballsy way they were hangin’ out, right there at the front door, for the whole world, & their parents dropping them off, to see. How much common sense does it take to keep that shit to the backyard?? Because if this had been my first born, at 4 years old, there’s not a chance in hell I’d have left him there. Just ask The Lurker…she had the privilege of being my very first birthday party…& when I realized she expected me to walk away & leave my baby boy, (the frikkin’ kid was 5, she probably thought I was sniffin’ glue!), there at her house, “alone” with her, a virtual stranger at the time, admittedly, I was the one doing the lurking then…in her bushes, unable to relinquish him in to her care…& she wasn’t drinkin’ on the porch! First time Moms are a whole different breed of crazy. And as a matter of fact, I watched another mother, as I dropped off The Baby, go back & forth a few times, from her car to the house, fussing after her child…obviously her first given both her nervousness & the endless list of care instructions . Clearly she was wracked with anxiety about leaving her, likely made worse by the pumpin’ patio party. Me? Definitely not my first kid…& a very independent, capable child. Who happened to have my cell phone number written on the entire length of her arm. After seeing the sheer number of people there, this was good insurance against her getting lost in the shuffle. Which, incidentally, the other parents & the hosts thought was a fantastic idea. Just one of many tricks you pick up when you have a mitt full of yard apes. And when I asked yet again, what time I should get her, I got a vague, “Oh, 5:30, 6:00.”. Which was frikkin’ ridiculous…I may be experienced enough to no longer fret over leaving my child at a stranger’s party, but that same experience knows full well that 4 hours is just too much for a 4 year old attending a stranger’s party…especially a party as large as this one was. And yes, I had some discomfort with the whole situation. As she yammered on about Batman & Tinkerbell coming to entertain the kids, I couldn’t help but think, “You can add all the glitter you want to that glue you’re sniffing, but it’s still glue!”. So I arrived at 5 o’clock, anxious to retrieve my baby girl…& learned another valuable parenting trick. If you do leave your small child with drunken, glue sniffin’ hosts, put a name tag on her. As I waited at the front door, they paraded 2 other rug rats out to me before I finally trotted in & hunted down the correct one. Colour me unimpressed. Seriously.
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