The Following Account Is Based On Actual Events…

My house is haunted. Given the “prankster” nature of these incidents, I can only assume it’s a poltergeist. It started innocently enough, little things really. In a house with 4 kidlets, they were the type of thing one could easily dismiss as being the handiwork of one brat or another…you know, the kind you don’t even bother to mention as you shake your head in exasperation, clean it up, & move on. Then it went from the occasional annoyance to outright, “WTH??!!, Who’s responsible for this??!!”. “This” being stickers…everywhere…more & more by the day, as my frustration & confusion with the situation grew. These things were turning up on doors, walls, personal belongings, nothing was sacred. The stickers themselves varied from Tinkerbell to Smiley Faces to Bedazzling Jewels…all scary poltergeist movieof which are easily found in my home, & none of which pointed to one particular culprit. My breaking point came when I awoke to find myself stickered by this phantom prankster…Tinkerbell on my face, a few Smiley’s on my hands. But despite my cajoling, threatening, & bribing, every rug rat in the house claimed to be as baffled as I, with the usual chorus of “Not Me!”. And then the pranks took on a more destructive, & sinister, nature. A DVD the girls had gotten for Christmas turned up with the cover “artistically enhanced”…Ramona & Beezus suddenly had moustaches, eyebrows, & really bad toupees, in black permanent marker. The One I Butt Heads With & The Diva were outraged by this blasphemy, & immediately accused their brother. The Boy is incapable of lying to me, & really, at 12 years old, has progressed beyond this particular brand of torture. I believed him when he insisted he hadn’t done it. We all agreed the handiwork was also beyond The Baby…just as he was too old for that, she was too young to have come up with, & so flawlessly executed, such a stunt. We also agreed that it really seemed like a “boy” thing to do, not typically the manner in which girls “express” themselves. The Best Friend had been over that day, & we entertained the idea of her 7 year old son being the culprit, but it didn’t really seem like him either. As an only child, he’s not inclined to mess with other people’s stuff…that behaviour comes part & parcel with having to share everything with siblings. Once again, we were left baffled, confused, & totally frikkin’ annoyed. Seriously, in a house this small, it’s highly unlikely that any one child would have both the means & opportunity to have pulled these stunts…you can’t turn around without bumping in toSupernatural sexy Sam & Dean someone, let alone manage to ninja stickers everywhere, or find enough privacy to draw such dastardly doodles. By now, I was convinced we had a vengeful spirit on our hands, & fervently hoped the ever-so-hunky Sam & Dean would show up to investigate my Supernatural happenings. And then things took a nasty turn to downright traumatic, not 24 hours after discovering the altered DVD case, when the quiet of the house was suddenly shattered by girly shrieks of shock & dismay. The One I Butt Heads With, fighting back tears of anger & grief, is waving her Justin Bieber book under my nose, screaming, “Just look at this Mom!! Who would do such a thing??!!”…The front cover of her prized possession now had a Justin sporting facial hair, glasses, & a new spiky ‘do, all in permanent black marker…Ohhhhhh The HORROR! Once again, I gathered the children. Once again, we were all in agreement that it just didn’t fit the girls. Once again, The Boy vehemently denied being responsible. And once again, we discussed the possibility that it was The Best Friend’s boy, with 2 similar discoveries coming just when he had paid us a visit. Yet, we still couldn’t accept that this was his style. We ran through other possibilities, but my “other” kids, the 3 siblings of close family friends who would typically be in & out almost daily, had been out of the country for weeks. None of their other friends had been over recently either, since these events took place over the holidays. This campaign of terror seemed to be escalating, & we were at a complete loss…my children were frightened, I felt powerless to stop this pervasive evil running rampant in my home, & we were all feeling anxious & concerned for what might come next. Barbies being beheaded? I’ve already noticed a disturbing trend of this happening to all of their male Barbies. Surprisingly though, when this mystery was finally solved, the truth was far more disturbing than any of us could have imagined. We did indeed have a prankster on our hands…we’d been introduced many times before, this prankster & I. But this time, “Not Me” had been Funny poltergeist cartooncaught red handed…or should I say, sticker handed. There was The Baby, as happy as you please, singing a little song, & merrily skipping down the stairwell with her sheet of stickers, slapping them on the wall as she went. For the love of Pete…how on earth had this child gotten away with it for so long?? Even worse, despite having serious doubts that she could be capable of these other nefarious acts, once we pinned her down & grilled her, she fessed up to the dastardly doodles as well, even producing the black marker she had hidden away for her gratuitous graffitis…though none of us has a clue as to where she ever got the idea to draw such graffiti on these pictures. Go figure…my poltergeist turned out to be a rather talented, creative, & sneaky 4 year old. She prefers to be known as “Not Me”…

Signed,

The Mayor!     

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I’m so glad it’s Wordless Wednesday, ’cause I got nothin’ lately!

random funny coolness

funny hockey image get down

funny random panda image

Happy Wordless!

Signed,

The Mayor!

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Have you seen the newest Katy Perry video yet? Firework? I’m actually not big on music video’s here in Crazy Town…far too racy nowadays, & not what I want my young kids being exposed to. Hard enough to raise 3 daughters in a society that wants to determine their worth based on their sexuality, simply by virtue of having been born with vaginas…I’ll be damned if I’m going to condone this mentality by having them think I approve of the image put forth by the singers behind their favourite songs. They’d actually be hard pressed to identify most of them by sight, outside of Justin Bieber or Hannah Montana, & I’m okay with that. The one concert I’ve taken them to? Avril Lavigne…kickin’ it on stage in her jeans & her high tops. ‘Cause she rocks. I did, however, catch this particular Katy Perry video myself, when it first came out, flipping around to find tunes for me & my mop. My immediate reaction was OMG, WTF??? I could have sworn, in the opening shots of her on the balcony, her boobs were shooting off fireworks…kinda like the Fem-Bots in Austin Powers, literally armed to the t*ts. As the video progressed, I realized that they were actually supposed to be shooting these fireworks from their hearts. What Ever…point being, it just looked ridiculously silly & inappropriate. When I came across today’s pick, a Key Of Awesome parody of said Firework video, I knew immediately that it’s off-colour theme was likely inspired by those same impressions I had of the original. Which makes it even funnier, despite the off-colour theme…

Happy Friday, & yes my dear Empress, Mr. Linky is back to slut around the blogosphere with us!

Signed,

The Mayor!

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I know, last week I said I was done with all of the holiday themed Wordless Wednesday’s, at least until February & the arrival of Valentine’s Day…which I look forward to only to bash the crap out of it. But I just couldn’t resist sharing these with you today, after finding a whole slew of them poking fun at the realities of New Year’s that most people are loathe to acknowledge…of course, the tongue-in-cheek manner is exactly the kind of humour that I adore best!

new years resolution funny

new years resolution losing weight funny

funny new years resolutions

funny new years resolution gym membership

new years resolution fail office pool

funny new years resolution get healthy

funny new years thanks for not laughing

funny holiday image

Happy 2011, & here’s hoping you beat the odds on your New Year’s resolutions, whatever they may be!

Signed,

The Mayor!

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Dancing With Myself…

by The Mayor!

Well, three days in & still no sun, sand, or Cabana Boy bearing margaritas…what the hell is up with that??!! Sigh. Thankfully, despite the lack of sunshine & fruity umbrella drinks, I’m diving back in to the realities of daily life fairly relaxed & well rested. Not that I anticipate that lasting much longer than the first few blasts of the alarm clock come morning. I didn’t even make it to lunchtime today without having to add a dozen notations to the calendar for the week. Typically, I look forward to the time when I can do away with all of the holiday clutter & pack it up for another 11 months. funny dance fail imageSuddenly the house seems so big & tidy, without the giant tree & piles of excess crap everywhere. This year, however, I could care less…there’s only one thing on my agenda when I finally get the place to myself again. Dancing my ass off baby! No, not my usual dance around the kitchen, mop in hand, attempting to waltz it through an afternoon it will never forget. With the rug rats out of the way, I can finally get my hands on the new X-Box Kinect they got for Christmas, & systematically work my way through each & every song in Dance Central. Seriously, this addiction may prove to be worse than my Guitar Hero one was when we first got that…though admittedly, I have mad skills on that guitar now, & still pick it up on occasion to pound out a song or two…best therapy ever dudes! But if you’ve not yet tried Kinect, it’s an experience…motion sensored, hands free, voice command wave of the future. And we love it! But there’s been enough fighting over it amongst the 4 brats without adding my own voice to the fray, so I’ve had to take a back seat, biding my time, anxiously awaiting my moment to shine. I’vefunny dance wtf image dabbled at all the games, & even The Best Friend & I had a few rounds of dance battles together, but I’ve yet to do an entire song, on my own, or work my way from easy to medium to hard then on to the next song. The point is to play the game & win, after all. Because I love a new challenge. And I love to win. With the added benefit of getting a workout in the process. And since I was blessed with the gift of rhythm, I’ve already proven to be quite adept at this game…which makes me all the more anxious to get my groove on in proper game mode & tear it up. There is, however, one aspect of Kinect that doesn’t thrill me…much to our surprise, as we first played Kinect Adventures in our jammies on Christmas day, the damn thing started snapping away, taking pictures of us jumping around like a bunch of jackasses. And Dance Central?? Yeah, THAT game takes video snips of you bustin’ a move. Awkward! Even if it is highly amusing. But suddenly, we all feel like we have to be ready for a night on the town just to sit at home & play video games. Given that I plan to take on the Zumba game next, & the girls are hoping for a Yoga game, I absolutely have to figure out how to delete all of those images. Engaging in these activities is one thing…fun & fitness for the whole family! But no one wants to see that shit. It can’t be pretty. I mean, c’mon, how often do you pull out your birthing videos, & think, “Oh my God, funny image yoga catI look FANTASTIC doing that!”?? Same diff. All it really does is convince you to never, ever do it again…at least not in front of anyone! Yet somehow, Kinect seems to think it’s a selling feature that these images are taken, stored, & can then be shared online. So before The Baby gives some random voice command that mistakenly posts dozens of photos & video clips of my family lookin’ like fools with their pants on the ground on Facebook, I must disable this feature…& if it can’t be done, then my new addiction may be over before it begins. Because there is no f**king way I’m playing a Yoga game that’s gonna be taking random shots of my Lotus Flower…

Signed,

The Mayor!

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